“Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage: it can be delightful” – George Bernard Shaw
You know that saying “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Well, I’m not such a big fan. And here’s why.
Life has a way of throwing us curveballs every now and again. Despite our best intentions, hopes or well-thought out plans, we get given something that we didn’t ask for. It could be the loss of something we had and held - like a relationship break-up, a career cut short, a job, or our health. It could also be the loss of a hope or desire for the future - like wanting to have children only to realise that by circumstance and/or biology it is unlikely to happen.
The common thread running between these experiences is loss. And with loss comes varying degrees of pain and discomfort, including grief. So when life gives us the proverbial lemons, I don’t want someone to tell me to make lemonade when I’m still dealing with the loss as it only serves to minimise what I’m actually feeling (i.e. not all shiny, happy) and tends to add a bunch of shame to the mix – in other words, not particularly helpful! The point is, before we rush off into lemonade-making, we would do well to recognise and deal with the loss of what is no longer to be. By doing so we can potentially avoid a future in which we define ourself by what we have lost instead of consciously rewriting our story to shine light on other possibilities.
So how to do this? I think different processes work for different people. This is a version of what works for me:
1. Give yourself full permission to feel things as they are for a while. This might be slightly unconventional and fly in the face of being uber positive all of the time but, like it or not, it is a natural part of the process when you’ve lost something. You might feel disappointment, rage, anger, sadness, or any number of other emotions. Skipping this step and trying to convince yourself it’s all ok when deep down you’re feeling otherwise will only make things more painful in the long run. If you’re feeling disheartened and miserable, let yourself feel disheartened and miserable. Give these emotions some breathing space, resisting the urge to shut down on them and convince yourself you need to “just get over it” or, if we stick with our metaphor, make lemonade before you’re ready to do so. In the process of transition, this phase is often called “separation” as you are literally separating yourself from what was (whether something you had or a dream for the future). This separation phase may challenge you by cutting to the heart of your identity and bring up beliefs around who you are or who you should be. Like tearing off a bandaid, it is likely to have a sting. And it is OK to feel the sting for a while before you move on. For me, a sitting meditation practice is one really helpful way of doing this. Simply allowing whatever is coming up to be there without the need for judgement or urge to try and change it.
2. Honour what has been lost yet gently start to let go of the old story. The job that you lost or weren’t successful in landing. The relationship that fell apart. The dream of having a family with 2.5 kids. Whatever it is, recognise what you need to let go of. You might want to break down your loss into lots of smaller pieces, writing these things down on bits of paper and choosing a ritual to help you let go of them – burn, bury, give them away. Whatever works for you. But to not let go (or at least loosen your grip) would mean not being able to move away from the old storyline that keeps you either stuck in the past or with false hope for the future. Personally I have found holding on the most painful place to be because you’re neither here nor there – you are sitting firmly in limbo land – stuck in the in-between. Moving out of limbo can be one of the most powerful things to do as it sends a strong signal to yourself that you are ready to create a different story for the future. The letting go can be a gentle (and sometimes slow) process. If it is helpful you can think of it more as dissolving, rather than the need to suddenly throw it all away. As an aside, letting go doesn’t mean that it disappears forever. Whatever it was is likely to come and go – and that’s completely normal and ok. The key thing is that you’re dialling down the volume and amount of mental space it is occupying to simply allow space for other things.
3. Start to rewrite a new story for the future. Look at the possibilities - what is possible rather than what isn’t. Remind yourself that there is more than one pathway to a happy life. I have always loved Steve Jobs’ Stanford commencement speech (if you haven’t seen it, you can check it out here). He talks about how you can’t connect the dots in life moving forward; that it’s only when you look back that you can do that. Personally, I have found that the most challenging times in my life have been the ones that taught me the most resilience, the ability to trust my intuition, and gave me the gift of empathy to others. When rewriting the story and creating a new vision for the future it is normal that you may take time to warm up to it. The important thing is directing your attention to the future possibilities and holding compassion towards yourself as you go.
The types of transitions I’ve mentioned here are definitely some of the big ones we all deal with (or a version of) at some point in our lifetimes. But the truth is that we are going through this process of transition on a micro level all the time. Life constantly challenges us to have to recalibrate and reset our direction. Trust me when I say that for the best part of five decades I have tried to work out various lifehacks for getting rid of uncertainty and maintaining as much control as possible! After failing miserably, I’ve come to the (very late) conclusion that life is designed to be messy and challenge us. So unless we spend our time attempting to override our humanity (arguably a futile task!), somewhere along the way we need to learn to embrace life’s messiness and unpredictability, and actually enjoy it for what it is. Perhaps it will take us to places we never imagined!
Commentaires